~~~ That's Me ~~~

Monday, March 23, 2009

This Is A Nice World to Live In

Have you ever felt like you wanna commit suicide? Like as though you hurt so much and you think that maybe by dying, you won't hurt anymore?

Many times I felt so down, so hurt, and it hurts till the point where you just can't take it anymore and you just wanna D_I_E!!!!

But then, I thought, how should I die?

Jump off from a building? Too bloody, and maybe my eyeballs will pop out. And it will be painful. The impact. Ouch.

Overdose myself with plenty of sleeping pills. Then, I'll puke white substance all over myself and die struggling while the veins on my neck pop out. Urgh, too ugly.

Cut my wrists? Too bloody. I'll be too white and pale when people find me, and thus, too ugly. When the blood flows, I'll get cold.

Someone once taught me, soak myself in hot hot bath tub, then cut my wrists in the hot hot water, blood will flow faster and I won't feel cold and I'll die in a beautifully peaceful and not-so-painful way.

Hmmm, I actually gave it a serious thought, and have decided that if one day I wanna commit suicide, this shall be how I'm gonna do it.

Once, I took a fruit knife and wore my best dress (I made sure that it's not red just in case I become a "厉鬼") and went into my mother's bathroom.

Then, I prepared the hot hot bathtub, put on my best make-up, listened to my favourite songs on my hp, and ate my fullest (just in case I become "饿鬼") .

Then, made my final playlists in my hp, put it beside the bathtub, step into the hot hot bathtub, and lay there.

And I listened to my favourite songs, and I just lay there, peacefully, feeling as though I am empty, as though I can finally leave everything behind, and feeling relaxed, soothing, and I fell asleep.

Then I woke up after two hours shivering (hot hot water already become cold cold water by then), then I realised I left my fruit knife by the sink (which means I totally forgot to bring it into the bathtub).

Ok, by this time, I think, do I still need to die? Do I still wanna die? Water not hot anymore, so if I die now I'll die in cold. Make-up already smudged, so if I die now I'll die ugly. And I don't feel that pain in my heart anymore, ok, still feel it a little, but it's a lot lesser than before.

Then I got up, showered, cleaned up everything in the shower, and once again, hung up my best dress to dry. Well, at least it's not gonna follow me into the coffin. Or at the very least, not anytime soon.

And I smiled at myself, for the foolishness, for the stupidity, for the irresponsibility.

Well, at least now I'm still alive, and because I'm still alive, I get to taste the sweet after the bitter, I get to taste the happiness after the tears, I get to taste the love after the hurt today.

And I'm thankful that I fell asleep that day, though till now I still can't figure out how the hell I was able to fall asleep in the bathtub. Hmmm, maybe it's cause I was just too tired at that time after nights and days of endless crying and working until I wore myself out. Well, lucky I didn't drown. Urgh, then my body will be bloated with water when I am found. Ugly.

When I feel down, there is always my 四舅 for me to talk to. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, a very important part of my life. He's my mentor, my best friend. Without him, I cannot be who I am today.

Once, I was really upset, and I wrote him an e-mail, and this was his reply:

"你好，我尚好，創業階段，辛苦難免。
你在新加坡的日子看來不是很愉快。其實，人，怎麼可能沒有問題，如果沒有問題，沒有心事，沒有煩惱，那就不是人生了。一個生命的誕生，一定會經過甜、酸、苦、辣的心事，想要卻要不到，想愛卻愛不到，想得卻得不到的苦。

我也有很愛的人，但她結婚了；我也有很喜歡的女孩，但她有男朋友了，我也曾經哭過，為什麼命運如此對我，但後來我發現，這不是命運的錯，而是在這場戲中，我們根本不是被安排好的男女主角，我們可能有更好的安排，但我們不懂，原因是當初，我們只看到戲的一部份。

當有一天，你有機會看完整部戲的面目，你就會感謝命運，它從來沒有虧待過你，只是你當時不明白而己。

相信我，每個人的生命一定是公平的，就算是不公平，那也是對每個人都不公平。人最難能可貴的是，在最困苦的時候，永遠不放棄追求生命的真、善、美。當有一天你走過來了，你一定會對自己的「蛻變」「成長」感到驕傲。

如果真有那麼一天，那就表示你生命這一趟行程，已經值回票價了，你圓滿了自己也對得起自己了。

有什麼心事可以和我談，或你的好朋友談了，無論你多傷心，記得，明天的陽天照樣升起。哭過要站起。

記得張艾嘉的愛的代價嗎，有一句歌詞這樣唱的：「走吧，走吧，人終要學會自己長大； 走吧，走吧，人生難免有苦痛掙扎。」

對了，那筆錢就當你已經還給我，我再轉給你當生活費，不需要還給我了。有什麼事再聯絡我。

我們書信交流，這是我的msn xxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com


我有預感，你一定可以活得很開心，你知道為什麼嗎？因為我看著你長大，小時候的你最可愛和討人歡心，當時你就是開心果，想想小時，你的成就肯定沒有現在，但為什麼現在你有一點小成就，反而不開心呢，或許是因為，有些事情，我們要學習扮笨一點，善忘一點，自然生命的重擔就會輕一點。

加油，開心果。"


After reading this, I just totally cry out lor, don't know why, makes me all the more emotional.

But I really do thank him la, for everything that he do for me, everything he did for our family.

No words can describe my gratitude for him, for always being there for me, always showing me the right path when I am lost, always brighten up my life, always making me smile when I cry, always encouraging me when I fall, always drying up my tears.

See? With people who love you by your side, never giving up on you, why should you give up on yourself?

This is a nice world, a beautiful world, a world filled with love and happiness~~~

ThAt LaDy @ 12:43 PM