Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dirty Jokes
Enjoy!
Two Sweethearts
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following:
"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and then mailed the picture to her parents.
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Sex Education
A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says,
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
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Teacher Sex Education
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
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God
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"
On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"
"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
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Pinocchio and Raggedy Ann
Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the Toy Box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, saying "Lie to me!"
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Short Dirty Jokes
Q: Why are hunters so great lovers in bed?
A: Because they go deep into the bush, shoot twice and eat everything they shoot!
A senior guy invited his girlfriend over because his parents were gone for the weekend, so his girlfreind arrived at his house they went to the bedroom and he forgot his younger brother was sleeping on the botttom bed so him and his girlfriend went on the top bed and they started talking and then things get heated up so he said scream TOMATOES if you want it harder and scream LETTUCE if you want a different position so she was screaming LETTUCE, TOMATO, LETTUCE, TOMATO, then she said stop pull it out becuase I cant get pregnant then the little brother woke up and said "will you guys please stop making sandwiches"....
Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around!!
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How Sex Began
In the garden of Eden, As everyone Knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
Nevertheless to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.
At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair.
And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing, Started to rise.
They found a spot, That suited them best,
A nice big tree, Where they began to rest.
Her legs spread wider, And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.
The head of Adam's thing, Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion, Beyond her control.
His thing did slide, And Eve's treasure, Was all wet inside.
The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing, Was all out of juice.
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Who is the Real Man
3 cowboys sitting around a campfire. Each one having a busy day and always felt the need to out-do the other cowboy.
The first cowboy stands up and walks around the campfire and says "Yep, I was walking down the ol' cactus path and a 12ft rattler springs at me! I grabbed him and bit his head off, sucked out all the poison and here I stand before you today unharmed."
He then sets back down and the second cowboy gets up and says........ "Well I was riding along checking the fenceline today and looked out in the pasture and saw the biggest bull you ever saw, had gored and killed 6 men! I jumped off my horse and grabbed that bull by the horns, pulled him to the ground, tied him up and not a scratch on me and I'm standing here in front of you unharmed."
The third cowboy stood up,..... walked around the campfire.... slowly stirring the hot burning coals with his penis.
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Short Dirty Joke
Q: "Wanna play army?"
A: "I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!!"
p/s: these are all JOKES! Geddit??!!
ThAt LaDy @ 6:49 PM
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